Herb Meyer, vice chairman of the National Intelligence Council under Reagan: "There are those who wish to turn us from a Judeo-Christian into a secular culture. This really is a kind of civil war. This is not normal politics. We are two cultures in one country. That's never happened before. I'm not sure we can survive where half of us think marriage is between a man and a woman and half think a man can marry his goldfish."
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why is it that such asinine comments are even tolerated in this day and age? since when has the struggle for equal access to the marriage contract EVER once suggested that goldfish were eligible for such a inalienable right?
i for one have nothing against goldfish, per se. i have flushed a great many, and eaten far more (including the nifty new multi-colored ones). i really like the white cheddar ones myself. but a quick note of caution -- remember which ones you or your wife bought, or else you could be very embarassed when you go to the emergency room thinking your kids have tried to poison you by way of the goldfish.
ok, so maybe i tossed back one too many six-packs of busch beer, because when i went to reach for a handful of those tasty goldfish -- and fully expecting them to be that nifty orange color -- i had absent-mindedly tossed a few in my mouth during a commercial break on the "hannity and calm show" when i noticed in-between chews that my hand was full of non-orange colored goldfish. i saw green, red, purple goldfish-like snacks and panicked.
because i remembered how my man rush had been forced into an oxycontin habit by the liberal media, i immediately figured that my children -- who live in that liberal bastion of los angeles -- had somehow swapped poisonous imitations for the real mcCoy. why? i figured it was because i had made an off-color comment about the sex-appeal of the bush sisters, jenna and the one who is not jenna. the liberals will take anything out of context, i knew, and my mind began racing. so into my car i went and i went racing to the local e.r.
to make a short story long, it turned out the missus had bought the new goldfish as a surprise for me; she forgot to remind me after the second six-pack about the switch and when she showed up at the hospital, boy was i embarassed. luckily, the kids weren't home when the investigator (my neighbor, a part-time private eye) called looking for confirmation about the allegations.
as i said, some of my best friends are gold fish. i have flushed a lot of them and now, a little more sheepishly nevertheless, have eaten and will continue to eat more.
but marry one? god made adam and eve, not adam and "white cheddar goldfigh." pepper ridge farms made the goldfish. and pepper ridge farms are not in the bible. i'm pretty certain about that, 32 years later, having not read the bible since then, but i'm pretty certain they are not there. what i am certain is that my grocer, mr o'neill, has assured me that i read the bible 32 years ago and he has also assured me that i remember never seeing gold fish in ther bible. if he says so, it is so. why would a grocer lie?
if hollywood wants us to marry outside our religion, why not something more practical and biblically-supported, like one of the gospels or maybe some one of the gentile or the jewish persuasion? (i don't need my local grocer to reassure me of things i know for certain, and i know for a fact that there are gentiles and jewish people in the bible and gospels too). i may be growing older but i am still pretty swift on the draw.
speaking of taking a bath, i have to dash; the wading pool is going to flood over if i don't get the hose out it now.