From Jim Gilliam's blog archives
The War on Christmas Escalates
December 5, 2005 4:13 PM
DECLARATION OF WAR
WHEREAS there has not heretofore ever been a war on Christmas; and
WHEREAS conservative Christian pundits relentlessly claim that there is such a war; and
WHEREAS nobody would want these pundits to be made liars;
Therefore let it be resolved that BEYOND BELIEF MEDIA hereby formally declares War on the holiday known as Christmas.
All of her resources are hereby pledged until such times as the conflict is terminated.
President, Beyond Belief Media
The War on Christmas Escalates
Next Entry: Quid Pro Quo in the Big Easy (12.06.2005)
Previous Entry: Do you have a plan to stabilize Iraq? (12.03.2005)
Read the 9 comments.
Tom from Madison:
Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra may have started the War on Christmas in 1957 with the ABC special entitled "Happy Holidays". Shouldn't somebody contact the Factor to warn his viewers?
Tue Dec 6 2005 10:42 AM
Don't count your holidays before they're conquered. According to Janes' All The World's Aircraft, Christmas has more warplanes than all the rest of the holidays combined.
Tue Dec 6 2005 10:04 PM
We should fight the War on Christmas at the North Pole, so we don't have to fight it here.
Wed Dec 7 2005 12:12 AM
Oh no. I totally love Christmas. Does that make me an enemy combatant or an evil doer or what?
Wed Dec 7 2005 12:49 AM
Tom from Madison:
Somehow the neo-cons among us are obsessed with war metaphors. What kind of Christian uses Christmas as an excuse to wage any kind of war? How about using Christmas as a time to promote peace and understanding?
Somehow, I don't think Jesus would approve of humans fighting a war to celebrate his birthday. He might say "Forgive them for they know not what they do."
Sat Dec 10 2005 10:12 AM
I didnt write this but I felt I had to share.
‘Twas the night before “Holiday”
And all through the House
The Democrats were whining
“George Bush is a louse”
Their voters were all nestled
In their cold little bed
You see, those voters were actually dead.
When up from the clattering voices I heard
The sound of the KKK,
So I knew it was Senator Byrd.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Senator Kennedy, clutching a beer.
With words all a-slurred and eyes all a-red,
I know in a moment it must be ‘Ol Ted.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
He grimaced and called Bush a bad name.
Now Pelosi, now Boxer, now Gore and Hillary
Get off your fat duffs and find me a distillery.
He was joined all at once by a face so scary,
I knew in a flash that it was old John Kerry.
His visage was drawn out like a face on a horse,
He was holding a flag, with hammer and sickle, of course.
He was tall and cadaverous, a right scary ‘ol sight,
I screamed to myself with all of my might.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his job,
Looking for more taxpayers he intended to rob.
So I smacked him a good one across his big nose,
And up in the air like an arrow he rose.
But I heard him explain “Despite all our splendor
America’s terrorist troops need to surrender”
So I closed all the windows and locked the front door,
I’m not letting in any Democrats, not never no more!
Tue Dec 20 2005 7:23 AM
Tom from Madison:
Here's my favorite:
The Grinch Factor
by Rosa Brooks
THE WHOS down in Who-ville
Were a tolerant lot:
Who Christians, Who Muslims - a Who melting pot.
Who Hindus! Who atheists! Who Buddhists, Who Jews!
Who Confucians, Who pagans,
And even Who Druze! The Who 1st Amendment's Establishment Clause
Said, "No creches in courts," and the Whos loved their laws.
Because somehow . they worked. The Whos rarely fought,
Mostly, each Who did just what he ought.
Every Who down in Who-ville
Loved the Consti-Who-tion a lot.
But the O'Reilly, who lived up in Fox-ville,
The O'Reilly DETESTED the Who Consti-Who-tion,
He thought it was some sort of liberal pollution.
Now, please don't ask why, for I really don't know.
Perhaps it had something to do with his show.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
Or it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his RATINGS
Were two sizes too small.
Well, whatever it was, bad ratings or tight shoes,
He stood there one Christmas, just hating the Whos.
"They're so multicultural," he sneered, "and wherever they're from,
They lack the good sense to just launch a pogrom!
There's no Who ethnic cleansing, no Who Inquisition,
If this PEACE can't be stopped, I may lose my position.
Those sensitive, tolerant Whos! It's quite grating.
I must think of something to fix my show's ratings!"
Then he said with a smirk, "I know just what to do
To destroy all the joy in the land of the Who!
I think I can end that PC Who peace.
This year, not one Who will enjoy his Roast Beast!
"Here's just how I'll do it:
I'll tell each Who Christian
That the liberal Whos have devised a new mission
To take away Christmas!
To mock and destroy
Till no little Who Christian is left with a toy!
And when secular Whos - most likely Who Jews -
Attempt to deny it? Why,
I'll just SPIN THE NEWS!
"I'll bluff and I'll lie; I'll sow seeds of mistrust.
Soon they'll form battle lines into
Who 'THEM' and Who 'US,'
Based on which Whos prefer
To sing out, 'Merry Christmas'
And which Whos say, 'Kwanzaa!'
Or 'None of your business!'
"They'll get so confused and so MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD
That they won't even notice the way
They've been HAD!
They'll be so busy squabbling
They won't notice the war!
They won't care if Who rich
Start to trample Who poor!
"Forget torture, and terror, and taxes, and health!
They'll waste all their time on some red-hatted elf.
"And the Who Consti-Who-tion?
They'll stretch it or burn it!
If it came as a gift, they would try to return it!
"The Who Christians will think that they fight the good fight,
They won't know that they're puppets of the Fox-ville Far Right.
They'll forget all that DRIVEL about faith, hope and LOVE
And say 'Merry Christmas' with a sneer and a shove.
"But I? I will prosper! My ratings will soar,
And maybe at last they'll forget I'm a BOOR.
Then for every Who Christmas tree
A most fitting adornament:
My O'Reilly MUG on the tackiest ornament!"
. And what happened then?
Well, the rest's up to you.
But I know what I'd like this holiday season:
A little less NOISE and a little more reason.
So Who Christians! Who Buddhists! Who Muslims! Who Jews!
WHOever you are, just say NO to Fox "News!"
If you don't want to lose the whole Who Consti-Who-tion
It's time to reject the Far Right Revolution.
So turn off O'Reilly and everyone shrill,
Let's have some peace
And old-fashioned GOODWILL.
Fri Dec 23 2005 2:15 PM
For those traveling thru -or- staying in New Jersey here are some helpful driving tips:
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by four other vehicles placing you in a more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit to avoid said closure and traffic jam.
9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make New Jersey look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
18. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
21. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
22. Snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Tue Dec 27 2005 8:26 AM
Tom from Madison:
This is from John Dingle -- given from the floor of the US House of Representatives:
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House
No bills were passed 'bout which Fox News could grouse;
Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;
Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;
In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;
Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to...well...
Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O'Reilly
We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;
Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they're in no danger!
This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes...even Costco;
What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy
At Christmas time we're taught to unite,
We don't need a made-up reason to fight
So on O'Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax...have a few egg nogs!
'Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?
So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,
and to Bill O'Reilly...Happy Holidays.
Tue Dec 27 2005 4:16 PM