August 25, 2005 12:08 PM
That's the headline today in a Palm Beach Post editorial.
Who would Jesus whack? (08.25.2005)
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Joe Welnack:
After watching the Sopprano's last night I was wondering how it would be if God's "family" was a "Mafia" family; like Haliburtonillo or the Bushollino Family out of Crawford. Then Pat Robertson who is a "made" Christian called for a "contract" being put out on Hugo "Huge Hoagy" Chavez. Seemed to me a clear violation of the rules. Whacking the boss of another family is against the rules as well as rule #5 (more about that later). Anyway, I got put on the shelf after I made my bones whacking some Vietnamese kids back in 1971. I was given something I could "earn" with. Anyway Pat and some fat momma luc from Texas called Haggee (not Hajji) are giving the BOSS some heat. Haggee (not Hajji) is a televangelist; not a convenience store owner, both have their own rackets but who am I to care how a man makes his living?
Anyway, I got "made" at St. "Vinnie the Enforcer" Vincent Catholic Church in Detroit. My Godfather renounced Satan and later the Nuns worked me over and taught me the "rules". The Nuns never made me burn any holy cards; that is bull they tell you in cheap novels. These broads were tough and could have taken the weight if they had to.
This thing with Pat really got me ready to go off the reservation and I asked St. Vinnie for a sit down with the Boss. St. Vinnie said "Joe, you call in very often so I guess this is important; Jesus will meet you at Sparks Steakhouse at 1:00 on Friday.. After being frisked by St. "Sleep with the Fishes" Peter I was ushered into the great man's private room.
"don Jesus I kiss your hand"... Jesus had aged well; the Armani suit and Monte Cristo cigar I have to say was a little out of place, but the boss is the boss..."Joey, how ya doin; you earning good? Have some espresso, the strip steak is good today"... I thought what a kind and generous guy here I am just a soldier and he is treating me like he loves me and cares...No wonder when the "Father" retired he made Jesus the capo di tuti capi...
Half way into our New York Strips Jesus said "O.K. Joe, what is the beef? We both laughed at the impromptu joke. "Why did you ask for this sit down? I explained that some Captains in the Baptist family were making all the families look like idiots and causing heat with the Muslims. "Mohammed has a temper and his soldiers can be animals when they are mad. Anyway, what do you propose", Jesus said. "We got to whack these guys in the Baptist family I volunteered.... "You mean take out Pat Robertson and the Texan who needs to go the Jenny Craig" the Boss said. Yeah I replied,"those guys are bringing down too much heat, they are out of control and they are not kicking up any of the money they take in from the idiots who send them money". You gave us an "X" on bingo and we kick up our percentage every week; the Catholics are supporting this borgotta!!" "Calm down Joe, nobody ain't getting whacked unless I say so, get that straight" he said with a glare that could freeze holy water.
"To keep peace in the families Dad put Rule #5 into the rules; "nobody gets whacked without an OK" or "Thou Shall Not Kill", as Dad said; he is a real Mustache Pete, Jesus said smiling.
"O.K. Joe, thanks for coming in. I am going to send some people over and reason with Pat and that Lard Ass" and they will start kicking up. There ain't going to be any "hits". Hugo Chavez is a good earner and he takes care of his people. He is helping the poor, cares for the health of his people and believes in social justice, same beefs that got me whacked". don Jesus was stoic; it had been a long day what with Iraq and people whacking each other at the gas pumps. After kissing the Boss on both cheeks he said, "No more beefs about the Bingo. Joe, that is small shit right now". "O.K. Boss, but these guys in the family doing public relations for you need to be dealt with". "Yeah, sometimes I wish Dad had never writen rule #5 when I think about Pat". Jesus started laughing and I asked him why the joke? "Joe the only reason I haven't called those two fools in is that I make the guys in hell listen to their shows 24/7".
I guess it is good we got a boss with a sense of humor. Were all going to need it when we get "called in".
Sun Aug 28 2005 11:54 AM
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